the Monster

the Monster came back the other night, and it stayed for two days.

the Monster lives inside of me and works in painful ways.

why, i ask, did the Monster choose me?

when all i ask for is peace and serenity.

i guess because the Monster sees, a child who owes it overdue fees.

my home is now within a glass house, so the Monster hunts me like i’m the scared mouse.

……….

no where to run.

no where to hide.

the Monster will chase me and eat me alive.

……….

what is this monster doing to my brain? anxiety is bad, but this is insane.

so I try to tell those in my life and explain to them this never-ending strife.

that’s cuts into my spirit, just like a knife.

but all that comes out

are unsure trembles,

and a ghost of what i used to resemble.

……….

the Monster tricked me

for 25 years…

it promised me safety, happiness and cheer.

but all those promises turned into tears, and now I am left locked into fear.

so i try to place the blame on others

but deep inside me i know it’s not you.

it’s not him.

not her.

it’s me.

that’s true.

……….

so Monster, Monster, come out and play,

i’m ready to face you

since you’re here to stay.

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~ by jennitt on November 5, 2010.

14 Responses to “the Monster”

  1. this is creepy and cute.

  2. […] My story so far:https://mcpaperz.wordpress.com/2010/11/05/the-monster/ […]

  3. […] My story so far:https://mcpaperz.wordpress.com/2010/11/05/the-monster/ […]

  4. dear, I finally linked your entry in,
    there are more than 95 entries this week, sorry for missing you.

    Glad to have you in poets rally week 32.
    scan the participant list, let me know after you visit and commented for a minimum 18 poets from the list.
    have fun!
    Xxx

    Happy monday.
    u rock.

  5. Wonderfully carved throughout… good work 🙂

  6. […] My story so far:https://mcpaperz.wordpress.com/2010/11/05/the-monster/ […]

  7. http://thursdaypoetsrallypoetry.wordpress.com/2010/11/09/thursday-poets-rally-week-32-participation-awards/

    award notice,
    Happy Wednesday!
    Link a poem to Jingle Poetry potluck if you can, I value your support!
    xxx

  8. […] My story so far:https://mcpaperz.wordpress.com/2010/11/05/the-monster/ […]

  9. the monster: “…so I try to tell those in my life and explain to them this never-ending strife.
    that cuts into my spirit, just like a knife.
    but all that comes out
    are unsure trembles
    and a ghost of what i used to resemble.”

    I hear U, I feel U R no longer tricked.
    I’m waiting for more.

  10. All of us have one or other of such monsters in our lives. Your poem brought back some memories I have come to terms with. I pray everyone does. At the end it is ‘us’. Thought provoking.
    Happy Rally.

    http://wordsworthmillions.wordpress.com/2010/11/18/counting-sheep/

  11. thank you all for your comments. i really appreciate them. more to come soon!

  12. An excellent write, and darn if there ain’t truth in them thar words. Often we try to delude ourselves that monsters are from without, yet to define something as a monster, we have to have it in ourselves to recognize it as so.

  13. letting out my breath with so many tears that will never be understood at all ,by no one ,wish back then ,when I tried take my life ,I have only one thought asking God ,I am a monster ,that demon spawn ,my grandma used call me and lock me in the dark closet and preach no one or nothing shall ever love me ,so I ask god ,that night why didn’t you let me just die
    Why was I to live
    I don’t want to ,losing everything ,you shall never understand
    all my life it seems everyone has always decided my life and future .
    now decision will once again be made
    You can not even face me
    Look at me
    I disgust you that much
    How is it ,all my life ,has been filled with hurt beyond the extremes ,some how I can see them and find some good in them despite events .
    I hurt someone I really never wanted too but really hurt the one person I love so much,now me for my damaged actions
    I am shucked out ,as something disgusted
    maybe it is I that shall never understand ever
    I always held such strong belief in you
    I knew things will be complicated some how you will find something deep inside you and gather new adventures with meeting and creating new friends to support you and helping hand ,you will always have that wonderful glow that opens up to people .
    I hold no thoughts of a future or new love or moving on ,I know I shall not ever hold those thoughts or actions
    You were correct I will die a lonely old woman
    You made me feel so alive ,than I ever
    Some how something went wrong
    I know the answer to that
    I went Wrong ,long time ago
    Why god spared my life that night
    I shall never understand
    As I can say ,I died already ,that night in more ways than I can ever explain
    So you see ,all the blogs ,all sayings that describe who I am ,I believe each word ,you speak of me
    I will die believing you ,I now know ,I trusted with everything .
    I was afraid and sorry I was so damaged from the past ,that without the walls ,that protected everything that was ugly ,that hurt ,hidden behind walls ,I never knew ,behind those walls ,was hiding a monster that destroyed ,all she loved .
    I do not deserve to be here ,much less every experienced your Love as I did ,as as your love was filled with so much beauty ,Your Love allowed me to feel something and trust in a life ,that was never offer to me .So make me this Joke ,leave the words ,I can relate to all that .
    This blog Dis solution ,yes I was fooling myself ,few times ,I drove or called you and you cringed ,just knowing the thought it was me ,Those moments should very well please you ,as I shattered in million pieces ,knowing I have become something ,you can’t stand be around ,you have to know ,it killed me completely.
    So file and do your self ,best favor ,you could ever give yourself in life .
    I will always believe ,you still Love me ,as I hope you remove any doubts that I never love you because that would be only a lie ,as I have never loved anyone as I do and shall always Love .
    You opened something deep within me ,that I buried all those years ,The real me ,and that holds a gentle soul .
    I also know with all my heart ,inside You ,you shall never really forgive the hurt ,that was instilled in you by my own actions .
    As I shall never forget ,our unborn child ,that never held a chance in life too .
    A Hurt ,that was more real than ,you shall ever believe .
    You will always distrust me ,the look in those Blue eyes ,Will always see me differently and each time I look in your eyes ,I will want to die .more

    I would give my life up ,to save your life ,this I dearly promise .
    A promise that will be the only one I will hold sacred and stand by .
    In way I am little glad ,those times I wanted see you ,that you never allowed it .
    As in this World ,there is none other expert than I ,to punish themselves .
    As I have done for so long
    I will never understand God ,as this God ,they say would never give to much than one soul could handle ,guess god was looking ,the other direction when it came to me ,or held higher expectations ,as it was spo much more than I could ever ,handle and be not consider damaged goods or demon spawn .as many label me ,or speak the words that I play the victim .
    I only wanted a life ,that was simple and people not hurt me so bad ,I only wanted to be love ,was that so much in life to ask.
    For me ,it was high price to ask and I was denied .
    So file for this dis -solution as ,you placed out for the world to see ,my shame
    I will promise You ,that day ,I will not show up ,you won’t have to look upon my face and heart .
    Our marriage will just disappear ,as you always told me ,that we never had a marriage ,I think your right ,as I can not pretend or Look at rest my life and be dishonest with anyone or even myself .

    Let me become one those tiny Flowers they call forget me not

    I shall forever remove my complete self ,out your life ,Will be going back to a life ,I only knew .

    That is all I now know I deserve

    Till the moment in Time ,I brave what is the right choice to offer my own self.
    Shall I disappear as our marriage did too.
    Would you mind very much ,if I kept the symbol the day ,you asked me to marry ,you .
    As it some how ,keeps me warm and safe .

    Good bye My Love
    Forever yours in another Life

    I hold such faith ,you will find your destiny and some one that won’t be ugly and can love you like you deserve ,As you are one hell’va man that deserves the best .
    I now understand Why ,you never took me up at the cabin ,on the mountains as ,you never wanted me to tarnish such sacred place with my ugliness ,I am happy ,that lady before me ,must of been filled with such Beauty .

    Heal thy self ,with the help of those ,you attach to life and love of wonderful family ,that I never gave chance ,to love .

    darkness taints my very soul as I disappear

    R.

  14. We all have a monster or a two to face, very well you’ve described yours, may you face him and have the strength to beat him!

    I’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas and to say thank you for the support to Jingle Poetry, with you standing beside us, we are able to continue our efforts by providing the platform for poets who share and encourage…BEST wishes for the year 2011…your poetry has enlightened our community and made us smile.

    Blessings fly your way, Happy Holidays!

    http://jinglepoetry.blogspot.com/

    Hope to see you on Sunday Poetry Potluck again, let me know if you have questions..old poems or poems unrelated to our theme are welcome..

    week 15 theme: reflections, interpretations, and musings.

    Take care!

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